Today I was thinking about the fact that I spend a great deal of my life trying to remain comfortable and in control. I understand this is how we as humans operate. I also “know” that this sense of control and comfort is an illusion. I, like you, don’t want to let go of this illusion because it is so much more comfortable then the unfamiliar which requires a deeper kind of trust beyond myself. I realize this familiar way of being requires a large quantity of mental energy to preserve itself. Over time it becomes even more limiting and isolating in this illusionary safely controlled world.
“Unless a grain of wheat shall fall into the ground and die it will remain but a single grain….but if it dies it bears much fruit…” The Gospel of St John 12:24
I try to preserve myself so that I can survive and not die but in doing so I remain a single isolated and limited person. What does this “dying” to bear much fruit really mean? How do I stop living in fear of death and change and begin to live in trust as I give myself over to something beyond my control to empower the abundant fruit? How do I stop living a reactionary life that feels it is not seen or cherished by others and is being swallowed up in mine and other’s ideas of what i should do or who i should be?